“The glove doesn’t fit.” -OJ Simpson. God dammit, why did the lawyer make him try on the glove? What a stupid move. I was thoroughly taken by the ESPN documentary series ‘OJ: Made in America.’ We all know he did it. Interestingly enough, if you’ve seen the movie ‘Concussion’ with Will Smith, the Dr. the movie was based on thinks OJ has this degenerative brain disease, explaining some of his fucking psycho-ness.
Tl;dr: Woke up, beached it, pooled it, played some games on the beach (egg toss, sack races, dizzy bat without alcohol), ate hot dogs, played cards, watched OJ Simpson documentary.
I’m currently sitting in Dublin. I’m a little behind on my writing, but do not fret -- I will catch up. If you don’t believe me, watch me and weep. I’ll just make the posts really short. Joke’s on you.
So this was Thursday and I was at the beach.
This day was pretty similar to all of the other days at the beach. Just picture me: swimsuit, wide-brimmed hat, sunglasses, a pretty great base-tan by this point in the week, a book, some iced-tea, a beach chair, then a pool chair, sunscreen, reapplying sunscreen, a short nap that looked like reading but was actually a nap, and flip-flops. Ok, now that was pretty much my day. Some of it was on the beach and some of it was by the pool.
I went inside around 4pm and took a shower. That was enough sun for one day. I didn’t want my base-tan turning into a burn for God’s sake. I made some cupcakes. My genetic makeup forces me to always lick the beaters and the spoons when I’m baking dessert. I get it from my dad for sure. I licked all the beaters and the spoons clean of chocolate cake batter (after mixing the batter). I decorated the cupcakes with vanilla frosting and little American flags. Cute af (‘as fuck’, moms).
Before we ate our ‘American’ themed dinner made by Trace-Face we played some games on the beach.
This was a blast. We did the egg toss, where Aunt Chicken and I came in third place, showing a pretty solid performance. My Dad, Crazy-Joe, and Uncle Texas won the egg toss, making it about 16 tosses (rough estimate based on counting lines in the sand).
Then we did dizzy bat, where we spun around a stick 10 times then ran to another stick and back tagging the next person to go -- relay style. Wow, getting dizzy on purpose is crazy. I fell right over. It’s not a feeling you’re used to as an adult. I think as a kid you just do that shit for fun. “Hey friends, let’s see how dizzy we can get!” “That’s a great idea!” “Ready go!” No, that’s not for me anymore. I laughed at everyone else, assuming I didn't look as dumb when I went, but I actually did:
Finally we did a sack race, using empty horse feed bags (as you do). This was hilarious. I’m not a very good jumper to start, then add sand to the mix...yeah, no. I think my team won. Who really knows. We were just in it for the laughs. My legs were sore over the following weekend, and I was wondering why. Now I remember.
After beach games we went inside and had a hot doggy dinner.
Trace-Face had found all these special hot dog topping ideas on Pinterest (Pinterest apple doesn’t fall far from the Pinterest tree). I definitely get my love of hosting from my mama. She loves a good theme, going all out on red, white, and blue swag. My dad is a big fan of silly costumes too, so this always makes for some good laughs.
After dinner we ate my cupcakes, then most of the family went to see a movie. I stuck around the house with my dad, Bro, Aunt Mato-head, Uncle Texas, and my cousin Young Donald (future real estate tycoon). We played cards, which is fucking hilarious to listen to. I recorded without anyone knowing because it was super hilarious how everyone talks to themselves and yells profanities while playing cards. No one even realizes it. I played some it back the next day and we were cracking up at Aunt Mato-head repeatedly yelling at the rest of us not to ‘dick’ her. “Are you gonna dick me? Don’t dick me!” and Young Donald singing his bid in an operatic voice.
After cards I watched the OJ doc on ESPN.
I love a good documentary, pretty much choosing them over any other type of film or tv show when possible. I got totally engrossed in this, until I got so frustrated that he got away with this murder that I had to stop watching. I went to bed.
The last full beach day.
- Wake up
- Walk on the beach
- Pool time
- Mini golf