Funemployed Day 42: Bringing Bouffant hair back

"This is gunna grow hair on my already hairy chest." - Aunt Back Rub commenting on how strong the coffee was. 

Tl;dr: Woke up, wrote, got my butt out to the beach, walked with Aunt Chicken and Aunt Lasagna (formerly known as Aunt Back Rub), read a novel, went shopping with Trace-face, ate crabby crabs (my favorite food) with the fam outside. Great day. 

I dunno, guys. Do you really want to read about my day at the beach?

I don't care. I'm going to write about it anyways. I got up around 8:30am, since I didn't want to waste my day. I sat in our little crow's nest and wrote for a good two hours. Then it was time for a walk. I was like, "Hey Aunt Lasagna, want to go for a walk?" She was like, "Yeah, let's bring Aunt Chicken too." "Ok." "Ok." 

Here's my nest. There weren't any crows. Thank gawd. 

Here's my nest. There weren't any crows. Thank gawd. 

We walked on the beach. 

It was like straight out of a Nicholas Sparks novel. I've never even read one of his novels, but I imagine it's just like I imagine, so why waste my time. I think they are kind of basic too, and I'm above being basic. 

Our walk was enjoyable. There were feet, and sand, and water, and I wore a hate to protect my face. You should have been there to see it, but most likely you weren't (unless you happen to be Aunt Chicken or Aunt Lasagna). We got back and I parked it in my beach chair and began reading. I haven't been reading as much as I would like, so I'm making up for lost time this week. I borrowed a book from Aunt Lasagna called 'People of the Book'. It's pretty good so far. Normally I read non-fiction, but I decided to change it up for a change. change change, blah, blah blah...

Aunt Chicken and me on the beach. 

Aunt Chicken and me on the beach. 

By mid afternoon I was ready for my mom to spend money on me. I was like, "Wanna go browse around the shops?" "Yes, lovely daughter, there's really nothing better I could imagine doing and no one else that I could imagine doing it with." I was like, "Woah mom, that's a little intense, I was just hoping to find a new bathing suit." We went to a local store called 'Birthday Suits'. It implies nudity, but there wasn't any. Too bad, really. I found a new bathing suit. 

Then we came home and ate crabs. 

Pre-crab picking. There's Aunt Chicken. She's not really that small, it's just perspective.

Pre-crab picking. There's Aunt Chicken. She's not really that small, it's just perspective.

I love crabs. I always have. We get a bushel of streamed crabs (with Old Bay) every year at the beach. Usually it's later in the week, but we decided to change it up for a change (change change) this year. Some of the family is leaving on Thursday, so we had to get our crab fixin' in while most of the cousins were around. We stood around tables on the driveway picking at shells, yelling profanities (it hurts when Old Bay gets in a cut), and telling our most embarrassing stories. I don't want to talk about mine publicly, but I'll gladly share Aunt Lasagna's.

Aunt Lasagna's was in second grade when her mom did her hair in a bouffant style for school pictures and everyone in her class laughed at her. She locked herself in the bathroom. Then when she finally came out, the teacher made her stand at the front of the room while everyone apologized. That sounds horrific. It's crazy how those moments will stay so vivid in your memory. 

Stolen from Google. Imagine little Aunt Lasagna with this do. Yeah. No. 

Stolen from Google. Imagine little Aunt Lasagna with this do. Yeah. No. 

We continued telling stories, eating watermelon, and listening to Aunt Mato-head yell profanities. "God dammit, there's so much shit in my crab." "Why do I always get the crabs with all the shit in them?" "The shit is dirtying up the good part of my crab." Goodness, Aunt Mato-head. We're all in this together. It's going to be ok.

For anyone new to picking crabs, my father, Crazy Joe, offers a free crab picking tutorial. It's worth your time. He teaches you to get the maximum amount of crab meat for the minimum amout of effort. Really, this is a strategy we Stunja's try to apply to all aspects of our life, but minus the crab meat part. Just replace crab meat with one of the following words. 

  1. money

After dinner, it's game time. 

I played Scrabble with Aunt Lasagna and Crusti (my youngest cousin). I was multi-tasking and blogging while Scrabbling. This is most likely why I lost. Crusti dropped out mid-game, because he's at that age where he still suffers from FOMO (fear of missing out, moms). He wanted to play our family's favorite card game, 'Oh Shit', at the other table, with all the cooler family members. Aunt Lasanga and I continued on with our game. She won. Then I threw the board off the table, stomped out of the room, let her pick up the pieces, and went to bed. Or something like that. 

They aren't that cool, Crusti.

They aren't that cool, Crusti.

What's in store tomorrow?

More of the same. 

  1. Play tennis with Trace-face
  2. Blog like a boss 
  3. Shower because my mom tells my I smell (like a goddess)
  4. Beach
  5. Read
  6. Pool
  7. Water
  8. Stuff