“How’s retired life treating you?” - Dad
Tl;dr: I tested out my hand at being a housewife, browsed craigslist, ate a banging biscuit, took my time getting places, caught a stumbling drunk man, walked a lot, overcooked my grass-fed beef, wined with German houseguests, then saw an awesome concert.
I’m considering this my trial run for retirement. I like it. I think I’m pretty damn good at it.
For those of you who don’t know (or if you even care, for that matter) I recently quit my job to take some time off. An unknown amount of time. Maybe 3 weeks, maybe 3 months. I left on good (some would even say “great”) terms, but was pretty burnt out. After a crazy start to my year and a lot of soul searching (so much soul searching that I felt lost and overwhelmed) I just needed to stop. STOP. So that I did.
“How am I able to do this?” you ask. I cussing* saved some money by hustling and renting out my extra bedroom on Airbnb. Not a ton, but enough. I recommend saving. That’s another topic.
So day one.
I started my day by testing out my housewife skills (confirmed they are nearly as good as my retirement skills), and attended a 9:30am Pure Barre class. This is a class that involves vigorous repetition of tucking, tapping, and thrusting. It hurts, but I feel much more prepared for housewifedom.
Next I indulged in my favorite hobby - searching cussing* Craigslist, then low balling people for nice furniture. Also another topic for future writing.
For lunch I went with a fellow funemployed friend to Beehive Biscuit Oven, where she gave me a brief, yet thorough training on funemployed life and how to do it best. I came out a better person, and cussing* enjoyed my biscuit.
Next I headed into the city. This time, with a new lease on life. I took my cussing* time and stopped in the Union Square subway station to watch a man kill it on guitar alongside my fellow retirees and homeless folks. It was such a pleasure. There is so much amazing talent in this city. It’s nice to take some time to appreciate it.
A drunken encounter.
On my way out of Grand Central Station I saw a man (your normal short white uncle looks-wise) walking very funny. To capture how he was walking... First, imagine you’re doing the limbo. Now, you are at that point just before you go under the pole, except the pole is too low so you kind of cheat and tilt to the left. Yep, that position.
He was walking like this and he starts to stumble. Based on his weight distribution he starts stumbling backwards and around to the left spinning into me. I try to assist him and make sure he’s ok. I think “omg, he must have vertigo”. Then as I’m supporting him, he peers up innocently through his wire frame glasses saying, “I think I drank too much” (It’s 2pm on a Tuesday for god’s sake! but I appreciate the honesty).
I lead him to some scaffolding where he holds on to a bar at chest-height, still in this tilted back position. Please note, this is literally the exact position I held in barre class earlier, minus the pelvic tucking. He stands frozen holding on for dear life. I suggested sitting down. He didn’t get that.
I didn’t know if I should just leave him there. Then I thought I should look for a cop to help him, so I did that, and then I began to consider what he would really want. I figured getting cuffed up by a cop would lead to a lot more hassle for him than he'd like, so I did what any real New Yorker would do...went about my day. I did pass him one more time, still safely assuming the tilted-back-bar-death-grip position. Hope he’s ok.
Then some more stuff.
Next I went to therapy. I was loving life. Seriously though. I was like “omg, I feel so good”. She was like “great, keep coming to therapy”. I was like “ok, cool”. We talked about other stuff in between.
Then I wandered through Bloomingdales and looked at overpriced sunglasses and considered how all this cuss* was probably made in the same factory then they placed some meaningless designer label on it. My daily dose of cynicism. Then I looked at shoes.
Next I walked through my Mecca, CB2, and looked at furniture that I plan to buy on Craigslist for ¼ the price.
I subwayed back to Williamsburg during rush hour (a form of self-sabotage in NYC) before going wine and grocery shopping, where I purchased some overpriced grass-fed beef. I overcooked said grass-fed-hormone-free-non-GMO beef with a side of crispy kale and sautéed mushrooms (yum). I shared my bottle of white wine with my German houseguests, two young female doctors from Hanover.
Finally, I went to meet an employed friend at Rough Trade to see a concert. I didn’t really know the guy, Parson James, but hot damn he BLEW MY SOCKS OFF. Wow. Music really feeds my soul. This was his first headline show. He was so giddy with appreciation for his audience, which made me feel great.
That’s a wrap.
I would call day one a real success. I’m clearly cut out for this lifestyle. Day two has a few things on the agenda:
- visit a moving sale of a local hoarder with my funemployment mentor
- evening yoga and dinner with two employed friends
Welcome to my journey.
I plan to blog daily through my funemployment. Follow along!
*replace the word as you see fit