"Nobody gets out of this alive." - Leandra Medine, creator of Man Repeller, talking on their podcast "Oh Boy" about not taking life too seriously. What's the point? It ends the same way for all of us.
Tl;dr: Woke up late, went to therapy and talked about how I used to feel, which made me feel even more awesome, since I feel awesome now. Then my friend was having a mini meltdown, so I was like "Here I come! To the rescue! I know all about meltdowns!" and then I spent all day on her couch. We also went to get lunch and shop for groceries. Then I made dinner.
I got to therapy 10 minutes late. I was trying to be positive like, "At least I made it to the appointment. I'm already doing better than last week." I totally forgot about my appointment last Tuesday.
I'm trying to be nicer to myself. I'm kind to other people (most of the time) and need to be kind to myself. This isn't an excuse to fuck up, but fuck ups happen, so when they do I'm trying harder to look for the positive. Like, yes, fuck, I'm late again, BUT know what? Better late than forgetting about the appointment all together. And since I was running late I was able to see my friend's text asking me to come over, meaning I was able to grab my computer and unpaid bills, so I could still get stuff done, but from her house. Look, it all worked out. No sweat.
Speaking of being hard on yourself...In the midst of my crisis a few months ago I had coffee with a good friend of Trace-face. We talked about a lot. She feels like family and absolutely adores my mother. I was saying how I got a text from my mom that day saying how she missed me and how excited she was to see me. I told mom's friend, "Sometimes I'm like 'How does she love me so much? I'm such an asshole to her.'" Family friend looked at me and was like, "Do you always carry around that club around in your purse?" "Huh?" "The one that you beat yourself with?" So true. I'm dropping the club (still love a good dance club though).
Be more forgiving, give yourself credit, let yourself be loved. You deserve it.
Anyways, therapy was great. I feel like I've come a long way, and the best thing I've gotten out of it is to recognize the things I love and embrace them. It's to really be myself. Stop molding myself to other's expectations (or my perceived expectations), and truly and wholly be myself (this is a process). Life is much more fun this way. The hardest part now will be figuring out what I want to do with my life (like to make money). I want to ensure that it's fulfilling, and doesn't make me feel lost, trapped, and suffocated like I felt before.
I couldn't explain it, but now it's more clear. I was stifling myself. I wasn't being creative. I was just kind of doing what was expected of me, and it was making me angry deep down. Why can't I just listen to myself? I would have tension, anxiety, lethargy, and I couldn't explain why.
I had a veneer of happiness, but was kind of shriveling up inside. Always performing my best in whatever task I was given or job I took on, but not actually paying attention to how I felt and what I really wanted, essentially letting other people dictate my path. Now I think I can find the same success, but doing something that I dictate. I just have to figure out what that thing is.
This part scares me. A lot.
What if I don't find something? I do need to make money at some point. My dream is to work for myself, and I know I will some day, I just have no fucking idea what I will do yet. I'm hoping to use this time to explore, be curious and open, meet people, and trust in the Universe (and my gut) to lead me in the right direction. I'm open to suggestions and ideas. Thanks, friends.
Then I went to my friend's apartment and I discovered the pure joy that is Trader Joe's.
She hit a wall that morning and stayed home from work. I was like, "Hey, dude, I've been there. Pep talk, pep talk, pep talk." Hopefully it helped. She's a wonderful and loving friend and she makes me proud. Everyone is allowed to feel shitty sometimes. Embrace it, then bounce back. We both sat around doing work (more like "work" in my case).
Later we got lunch at the Juice Press then sat outside and ate in a park. OMG yum and healthy. If I could eat that shit everyday I would. It's just expensive. What a shame that its so expensive to eat healthily. Then we went to Trader Joe's. This was actually my first time ever shopping there. HOLY SHIT. It's amazing. I got so many healthy staples like hemp seeds, coconut shavings, chia seeds, raw honey, pecans, and of course KALE. I'm now a TJ's fangirl. I'm a believer.
We went back to my friend's and made our own version of Bulletproof Coffee. This is coffee with a bunch of healthy fats in it for optimum energy and fullness (we used ghee, coconut oil, almond milk and cinnamon).
Next I went home and made a super yummy dinner.
I did have pasta. Not a huge serving. This was my homemade pasta, so I felt entitled to it. I used a green sauce from the Juice Press and topped the pasta with that, grilled chicken, walnuts, hemp seed, and sautéed kale and onion. I made a second plate for Croatian, that lucky bastard (You: "OMG he's popping up a lot in your blog!?1?). Here's a shitty picture of my food:
That was my day Tuesday 5.24.16, as well as some inner thoughts and dialog from my brain.
There's a lot going on up in that head of mine. Stay tuned for more.
- Pilates (so good)
- Eating and taking pictures of food
- Writing and taking selfies
- Tennis and taking selfies again
- Making dinner for Samanda and Lady Boss
- Packing for my trip to Hilton Head! Visiting my Bro and Sis-in-law