Cranky Asshole

I can be a real cranky asshole sometimes. I think you all have that thing that just irritates you to no end, that turns you into a savage beast—veins popping, fingers morphing into claws which may or may not be used to gash someone’s throat with (woah, Miz, settle down now!). You might be surprised to know that I actually have many things that make my inner beast emerge, not just one.

These include, but are not limited to the following:

  1. Loud commercials, or any commercial really (this is genetic)

  2. Loud shit when I want to sleep (for example, a child’s birthday party in the backyard behind my boyfriend’s bedroom where a man is MCing over a loudspeaker in Spanish while children break a piñata, and Decpacito is playing, and it’s 10 PM the night before I have a 6am flight the next morning, and I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in 4-6 nights, and I just want to sleep god dammit.)

  3. The TSA (they don’t deserve my words)

  4. The Cardi B song, Bodak Yellow (see my comment about the TSA)

If you would like more details on the above, read on. If you would not, then don’t.

My blood is actually boiling right now because all of these things bring up so much anger for me. Apparently, I’m not great at recognizing and therefore, processing anger (one psychological professional in my life hinted that this may be an area of weakness for me). The silver lining, is that things that piss me off make great writing content.

Ok, here are more details about things that really piss me off:

1. Loud commercials. 

Fuck loud commercials, and just fuck commercials in general while we are at it. I hate them on tv and on the radio. Who even needs commercials anymore, anyway? Subscription services ftw (that means “for the win,” Moms) I was raised by civilized humans who always taught me to mute the commercials or change the damn channel. Then I get out in the real word full of barbarians who don’t follow these simple standards, and am just shocked by the indecency of it— especially Uber drivers. The commercials come on and the driver just leaves it, same channel, same volume. Like he is genuinely interested in possibly using the legal services of Cellino & Barnes, Attorneys at Law. Maybe he’s waiting for the day that he will finally be hurt on the job, his big break in life. Get that money. This is where I draw the line and chime up with, “Excuse me Uber-human, can we not?”

2. Loud shit when I want to sleep.

I live in the wrong city. I described the problem in my list above, because I just couldn’t wait until this list right here, BUT what’s worse than a loud child’s birthday party at 10pm with a man yelling through a microphone in the yard behind your bedroom, is when your boyfriend doesn’t even find it remotely annoying.

  • Me: “Omg I hate this!? Don’t you hate it?”

  • Boyfriend: “No. It’s a kids’ birthday party.”

  • Me: “What? This doesn’t make you angry!?!? Get angry! Go tell them to stop! You know, just go out back, bring a chair, poke your head over the fence and say, “My girlfriend wants to sleep. Please end this child’s birthday party now.””

  • Boyfriend: “You go tell them! It will probably end soon anyways, so just chill.”

  • Then I took a shower and it ended, so he was right, which sucks even more than a loud party when you want to sleep.

 Illustrated by Anne Foley

Illustrated by Anne Foley

3. The TSA.

I just can’t with them. All the employees are so disgruntled and hate their lives (I would too if I were them). The energy is stale and just plain icky anywhere within 100 feet of any TSA checkpoint anywhere. What really grinds my gears is that they have absolutely no incentive to provide good service, so they don’t. And I hate that. It’s a huge fuckin’ waste of money. Yes, I’m quite glad they make sure my plane doesn’t get blown up by a bad guy, but still. Can we not find a better way? I just cannot keep my anger in check while taking my shoes off and being barked at with a bunch of rules that change every week, at every airport. “Oh so take my liquids out? Oh wait, don’t? Oh, put my left shoe on the belt facing the northeast, and put my laptop in a tray, unless I have one of three approved laptop bags? Oh, keep moving even though I have four trays of shit to grab and shoes to put on at the same time?” That’s all. I’m done with them.

4. The Cardi B song, Bodak Yellow

No to that song. I was in a pilates class recently and this song played not once, but twice. We were holding a plank the second time it came on and I actually felt the blood rush to my head and I knew I had to make an escape plan. I went through a few options of what I might do. It was between just walking directly out of the door with no shoes and no bag, OR absolutely losing my shit and yelling at the teacher to change the song NOW. By the time I went through the whole sequence of how this would all play out, the song ended. Phew

 Illustrated by Anne Foley

Illustrated by Anne Foley

Now, you made it through the list. Congrats to you. As I started writing this I was like, “Miz, how am I going to spin this into a lesson learned, or just some sort of ending? Maybe there is no ending because this stuff will always piss you off and there’s nothing you can do about it?”

Well well well... I was wrong. I started writing this while on a plane to Miami, and when we landed we took a Lyft to our hotel. Right when I got in the car, guess what happened? Yep, a commercial was BLARING for a lawyer called Something Rosenstein, who will be fuckin’ sure you get the money you deserve from your pesky insurance company next time they screw you. And rather than my typical reaction of gouging someone’s eyes out in fury, I started laughing to myself, handed my boyfriend my in-draft notes and said “Read item 1 on my list,” and we giggled to ourselves in the back seat. I mean it could have been worse — Cardi B, Bodak Yellow could have been on the radio.